What Does Fighting Solve?

Fights have never been something that have bothered me. Like ever. I believe that fights make relationships stronger, at least for the most part, but what about that fight that throws things over the edge? The ones that change your relationship forever. The ones that make you reevaluate the person you have that relationship with. What do you do about those? We don’t exactly have a rewind button. We can’t go back and unsay what we said. Those words are the stones that can be the size of boulders that break down every building of trust you have with that person. Those words are what change your relationship with that person forever.

And trust me, I truly understand being hot tempered. My family and close friends can even tell you that. And my siblings know every dang button to push to send me into a rage of fury. In that fury, I say a lot of things I should not say. I say things that I know break the soul because I know it will hurt them. But why? What good does this do me? Will I ever get full satisfaction from this?

The answer is no. It does me no good to fight, and I do not gain any satisfaction from this. It, in fact, is pretty pointless. Fighting with family is pretty pointless. I know it is sometimes necessary, but most times it is unnecessary. Because at the end of the long day, or maybe several long days later, you make up because at the end of the day, family is truly all you have left. And yes, I do fully understand that sometimes all family is not there for you, but the ones that are happen to be the only ones to matter. It might be later on down the road in life, but you realize it eventually.

To be honest, it took me about 18 years to realize that the family that didn’t want to be there for me didn’t have to be. The ones that stuck around were all that mattered. My biological father is not my favorite person on the planet, and he does not play a big role in my life because he didn’t want to. So I finally realized that if he didn’t want to be there, why should I try to fight him to be? I shouldn’t. Life is too short to be begging people to be in it that didn’t want to be.

And eventually, I stopped losing sleep over it. I eventually used this method with all of my relationships. I’m still this way, I don’t want you in my life if you don’t want to be. And yes, this may be why I’m a loner or why I only have 5 friends, but at least I’m happy. I no longer deal with the drama that goes along with fighting. I no longer go with sleepless nights because I’m so worried about my friendships and relationships. And why do I have this attitude?

Honestly, it has to be because I learned very early on that people are in your life for a certain amount of time. People outgrow people. People die. People decide that your life is no longer important to them. So with all of this in mind, I don’t fret the amount of time I have with people in my life. God has a plan for my life and every life on Earth. God uses people in my life to teach me things. He uses them to show me that no matter how much adversity I will face, and yes, I will face it, I can deal with it calmly and rationally. I can come out stronger. I can come out with a slightly positive change in my life. I can manage to put a smile on my face after all the pain subsides. I can make it through the pain because God is with me, and pain is temporary. God has a plan for my life and the relationships in them. This understanding causes the attitude I have toward relationships. So at the end of the day, maybe God dismisses you from my life because I’ve helped you all I can or maybe because I’m dragging you down. I can say I honestly don’t know, but I have faith in my God to lead me the right way and take out everyone that doesn’t need to be in this crazy, beautiful life of mine.

Somewhere in my Car

We all remember our first car. Mine was a black 2007 Ford Escape fully loaded. I thought I was something great because I had a nice ride with a sunroof and six disc CD player. I had a lot of memories in that little SUV including the day I almost killed myself and two other people, but that’s beside the point. We all don’t remember the car strictly because it was our first one, but because of the memories that were made in it. Those memories are what we hang on to the rest of our lives because eventually the car dies (or you slam it into a tree after having it six days). The people you made the memories with eventually leave you because either you outgrow them or your lives go in two different directions. Whatever the reason may be, at the end of it all, the memories are all that are left.

Since I didn’t have that Escape for too long, maybe I should say that my 2002 Toyota Camry was my first real car. It had a sunroof and a tape player. I was ‘styling and profiling,’ which I was lucky to be doing anything because I did just total a car and didn’t deserve a new one. But anyway, this car had too many memories for me. From joy rides with my girlfriends to the first kiss with my first serious boyfriend, they all were made in that car. I drove to Jackson in that car. And that was one hectic trip with my mother. Ha, but I guess the memories of friendships and relationships are what that car truly summarized to me.

I reminisce over all of my relationships. I look at why things didn’t work out between the people in my life at that time. I wonder if it was always me. I wonder if I’m just too crazy for folks to handle, or maybe I was just too mature for some of them. Were our lives just going different directions and it was just easier to part ways quicker rather than later? I guess you could say I over-think everything on Earth. But do we all truly know why every relationship ends?

The answer to this for me is no. I have no idea why some of my friendships ended. I have no idea why some of my romantic relationships ended. But if your not the one to end the relationship, does the other person state why they can’t do it anymore? In most cases, the answer is no. As humans, when we have these events happen, we want to be so direct there is no confusion at all. And even though it hurts like hell, we’re extremely thankful at that time for the directness. But as the sting begins to subside, we wonder what we did to that other person to make them feel we were no longer worth it. Why didn’t they fight for the relationship like you did? Where you ever that close? Were you so blind you didn’t see this coming for months? Most of the time, we take all of these questions and put the blame on the other partner when really we need to take some credit for our mistakes in the relationship too. This is where my downfall lies. I’ve always been one to eventually admit I’m wrong, but if someone ends any type of relationship with me, I automatically assume it’s their fault and not mine. I never think about how from time to time I’m hard to deal with. I don’t deserve the good treatment from others sometimes. But eventually I wake up and realize its my fault as much as theirs.

So why do relationships end between people? Well, I guess a number of factors play a role in it. But I guess a major issue is the lines of communication have been broken. All relationships function on two key factors: communication and trust. If you have one and not the other, then the relationship fails. If you have none, then the relationship is a failure before you get any form of emotion involved. So I guess these are two major factors that can cause relationships to end. And yes, I totally understand that each and every relationship is different, but each must have these two factors. But at the end of the day, everyone in our life comes and goes. It’s a part of life’s grand circle, and we have to embrace it.

So, I guess what I’m saying through my whole rambling of relationships is, enjoy the ones that you have in your life today. They can walk out or can be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Make memories that you will want to share with your kids and grandchildren. Have adventures in your car (cautiously), but most importantly, know that people are placed in this life for a reason. We don’t know why, and God doesn’t exactly give us the answer. But with a little faith, we may just find the relationships we’re meant to have for the rest of our lives. And know, that some of these wonderful relationships might just start with a ride home in a 2002 Toyota Camry.

What is the Right Sexuality?

How many times a day do you wonder about another person’s sexuality? Do you walk up and ask them if they’re gay or straight? Or do you just leave it alone? You realize it is none of your business and if they wanted you to know, they’d tell you. But no matter how hard you try, you still can’t let the question go. So eventually, if you’re brave, you ask that person. Most of the time, they try to beat the hell out of you, and if they don’t, they’re better people than me.

But when did homosexuality become such a big deal? When did society decide it was unacceptable to be a part of the LBGT (lesbian, bisexual, gay, transsexual) community? Who said it was okay to be straight? Who decides this? And yes, I am a firm believer in God, and I do understand that it says in the Holy Bible that homosexuality is a sin, but where in the Bible does it tell me that I can judge another person’s sexuality? Who said it was my job to make these people social outcasts and criticize their lifestyle choice? The God that I worship, know, and love tells me that it is not my job to judge the lifestyle of others, but it IS my job to love everyone. It is my job to show God’s bright light through my daily life. And I will not lie to you, I struggle with this daily, and I will continue to struggle with this as long as sin is among us, but I can tell you I do not judge other individual lifestyles. That is not my job. So at the end of the day, I will accept people for who they are.

So why is homosexuality judged? I don’t see homosexual people running around telling us straight people we are wrong for being straight. I don’t see them saying straight people are damned to hell for being the way they are. In fact, I see homosexual individuals praying for those that judge them. They don’t even pray for themselves, and they live a life that most of us could not live. And I know for fact I could not live a life like they do because everywhere they turn they hear, “You’re damned to hell.” I couldn’t deal with that. So, I question quite often why people want to live this life.

And the only answer I come up with is that they are happy with who they are. They love who they love, and they truly enjoy the relationship they have. At the end of this day, we can’t help who we’re attracted to. We cannot help that our sexual preference is what it is. We cannot go through and heal gay. This is not a disease. It’s a way of life, and if it makes you happy, who can argue that its bad? My answer: no one.

So is homosexuality unacceptable? I believe this question is a matter of personal opinion. My opinion will always be do what makes you happy. If you want to be homosexual, go for it. If you want to be bisexual, you have more of a field to choose from. If you want to be straight, go ahead. No one can truly stop you. So be who you want to be. Screw the ones that won’t accept your lifestyle because they are too close-minded to realize that you are different. At the end of the day, your life is yours. Do you, be you, enjoy you.

Gratitude.

Gratitude. We hear this word all the time. We’re supposed to be grateful for our friends, family, just the plain fact of being alive…whether we like it or not. And we’re supposed to be happy, right? But what about if we aren’t? People say time and time again being alive is the biggest blessing. And most days, I believe them. But some days, I honestly don’t see the point of being grateful for anything.

No, I’m not depressed. I figured I better go ahead and clear that up for anyone who thought I was. But let me explain. Do you ever see something everyday that you just want? Like that piece of chocolate cake in the bakery window, but you know you can’t have it because you’re too busy working toward that summer 2k15 body. And you know if you could have that one bite you would be SUPER grateful for it. But instead, you walk right on past the window pleading that the cake won’t be in the window tomorrow. Okay, well I’m not sitting here wanting a piece of cake, but there is someone I’ve had a crush on for months, and I’ve been so far friend-zoned that I’ve come to the conclusion that I should just give up. But I can’t. Why? Because he’s that dang cake in the window…just sitting there…staring at me…looking oh so beautiful. Okay, enough on that…I’m sure you get the point. I want him, and I can’t have him. And sometimes, I’m okay with that because we’re friends. But then there are other times when I just want to go run into the bathroom and scream because I’ve fallen so hard for him and he doesn’t even notice. And if he noticed, I’d be FOREVER happy because we might would be together…or at least he would know. And I would be happy if he knew. But what about if he isn’t supposed to know?

Because see, what about if gratitude has nothing to do with happiness and joy? Maybe, being grateful means recognizing the relationship that I have with him for what it is. Appreciating the conversations we have together. Appreciating that he comes to me with all of his problems…even if they are women problems. Maybe gratitude has to do with admiring the struggle I have to be in the same room as him sometimes. Admiring the struggle I have to not let the “L-word” slip. Admiring the struggle it takes to sometimes be myself when he brings a pretty girl to hang out with all of us.

Maybe I should be thankful for the familiarity I have with our friendship. Maybe I should be thankful that our friendship has gotten super strong in the last year. Maybe I should be thankful that I don’t know what being in a romantic relationship would be like because it might mess up the relationship we have now. Maybe that kind of change is something I should be grateful we haven’t embarked on.

But at the end of everyday, the fact that I can continue to text him and have my relationship with him is a good reason to celebrate. The fact that I have the courage to continue to listen to him with his woman problems is reason enough for me to celebrate.

Fairy Tales vs. Reality

As a child, I always wanted to be grown. I wanted the freedom, the driver’s license (which my parents later realized might not have been the best idea), and most importantly, no rules. What adults failed to tell me, once the bills start to come in and decisions must be made, being that little 10 year old on a dirty blue bicycle with muddy boots is not so bad after all. No one would tell me about the expenses that come with being an adult. And no one dared to mention that one decision could totally affect the rest of my life. Instead, I lived life rushing on into adulthood. And once I reached adulthood, I was stuck there. There is no turn around, no redo, and there is no fix that would take me back to childhood.

Don’t get me wrong, adulthood has its perks. I could do what I wanted. I could date who I wanted. I didn’t have to answer to anyone…until one day I realized, I have to answer to myself and to my God. And let me tell you, this scared me to death. What about if I mess up? What would I do then? I would have no one to blame but myself for my errors. I couldn’t call my mama and blame her for what I did. I could only blame me, and this scared me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the tools to live the Christian lifestyle that my mama taught me to live, but I had to take these tools and apply them myself, and that scared me. What about if I couldn’t do it? I definitely didn’t want to be the 35 year old cat lady that lives with her mother because she had a nervous breakdown in her early 20’s and never fully recovered. But what about if this happens? This is still a serious possibility.

What about if the plans I had for my life were not the ones God had for me? I know we should not question God and His plan for our lives, but I catch myself doing it time and time again. What about if God’s plan didn’t match up with my fairy tale? And yes, I have the Cinderella fairy tale dream, okay, maybe the lost shoe at midnight was not a part of it, but finding my Prince Charming, marrying him, and having 4 exceptional children is. But what about if the guy, marriage, and children are not a part of God’s plan? What would I do then? To be quite honest, I have no clue what I’m going to do if this is not His plan for me and my life. It’s so easy to say that changing and adjusting to live His planned life for me is what I would do, but come on. Who on Earth wants to change the dreams they’ve had for themselves for years? I can answer that, no one! But I just might have to, and I know God has a way of making this stubborn child do as He will.

So yes, changing my dreams to match my Father’s would just have to be something I would have to do. Every one believes God promises every single one of us a soul mate, and I’ve found this to be very much so untrue. Look at Peter, he was a disciple of God, and he lived without a soul mate. He lived to serve his God without a marriage or a family. What if I was to be like Peter? Well, I guess I could be like worse people. There is always the Miley Cyrus route? But seriously, I would love to be like Peter. I mean don’t get me wrong, I would be highly upset with God for taking away my dream of being a wife and mother, but if it is something I might just have to agree with God on one day and move forward. There is no greater person to plan my life than the one the created me. He has a plan, and it’s a great one.

So I guess what I’m saying is that with growing up comes responsibility and worries. Maybe the dream I have for my life that includes the handsome husband, pretty mansion, and 4 children may not be the plan God has. His plan may just be for me to have a great male friend, a pretty one story house with a white picket fence, and 4 cats. Who knows? Only time will give me the answers, but I know that no matter what, my life cannot fail if I have God with me guiding me through it.