Gratitude.

Gratitude. We hear this word all the time. We’re supposed to be grateful for our friends, family, just the plain fact of being alive…whether we like it or not. And we’re supposed to be happy, right? But what about if we aren’t? People say time and time again being alive is the biggest blessing. And most days, I believe them. But some days, I honestly don’t see the point of being grateful for anything.

No, I’m not depressed. I figured I better go ahead and clear that up for anyone who thought I was. But let me explain. Do you ever see something everyday that you just want? Like that piece of chocolate cake in the bakery window, but you know you can’t have it because you’re too busy working toward that summer 2k15 body. And you know if you could have that one bite you would be SUPER grateful for it. But instead, you walk right on past the window pleading that the cake won’t be in the window tomorrow. Okay, well I’m not sitting here wanting a piece of cake, but there is someone I’ve had a crush on for months, and I’ve been so far friend-zoned that I’ve come to the conclusion that I should just give up. But I can’t. Why? Because he’s that dang cake in the window…just sitting there…staring at me…looking oh so beautiful. Okay, enough on that…I’m sure you get the point. I want him, and I can’t have him. And sometimes, I’m okay with that because we’re friends. But then there are other times when I just want to go run into the bathroom and scream because I’ve fallen so hard for him and he doesn’t even notice. And if he noticed, I’d be FOREVER happy because we might would be together…or at least he would know. And I would be happy if he knew. But what about if he isn’t supposed to know?

Because see, what about if gratitude has nothing to do with happiness and joy? Maybe, being grateful means recognizing the relationship that I have with him for what it is. Appreciating the conversations we have together. Appreciating that he comes to me with all of his problems…even if they are women problems. Maybe gratitude has to do with admiring the struggle I have to be in the same room as him sometimes. Admiring the struggle I have to not let the “L-word” slip. Admiring the struggle it takes to sometimes be myself when he brings a pretty girl to hang out with all of us.

Maybe I should be thankful for the familiarity I have with our friendship. Maybe I should be thankful that our friendship has gotten super strong in the last year. Maybe I should be thankful that I don’t know what being in a romantic relationship would be like because it might mess up the relationship we have now. Maybe that kind of change is something I should be grateful we haven’t embarked on.

But at the end of everyday, the fact that I can continue to text him and have my relationship with him is a good reason to celebrate. The fact that I have the courage to continue to listen to him with his woman problems is reason enough for me to celebrate.

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