I learned something about myself the other day.
Allow me to set the stage for you.
Thursday night aka Thirsty Thursday. I’m out with all my friends, because after a long week, who doesn’t love a good drink. With that being said, let me just say I’m not a drunk, but I am a social drinker, and I only have 3 drinks, whether its beer or a vodka/sprite. Because I know my limit…and well, I believe in maintaining my dignity.
As we are all enjoying our drinks, talking and laughing about the past week, I began discussing the guy I had met and gone out with within this past week. Of course, I thought this guy was pretty great. Except for the fact that he was not a Christian. But that was okay. I could help him find Jesus soon enough. Of course, as soon as I said this my good friends all look at me like I’m slightly off my rocker.
Then, one of my sweetest friends, announces that I’m a #missionarydater. I mean its even mentioned in our group text message. It’s become a running joke.
But anyway. I couldn’t believe I had said this. It was like uncontrollable word vomit. Word bullets as I call them. But why?
I had become one of those girls. You know the one. The girl who honestly believes that she can change a man.
Can I just say that once I made this realization, a facepalm moment occurred.
I mean seriously, Jayme. Like seriously.
And this thought has sat with me for a week now. The moment I became labeled as a #missionarydater has replayed like some horror movie in my head. Over and over.
It replayed in my head while I was sitting in church. Church, y’all! The time I should be paying attention to my Reverend and listening to the beautiful voices of the choir, I’m stuck in my own head listening to myself admit that I’m a missionary dater. Then, during the middle of the closing prayer, it dawned on me. Is this really what I want? That I want to date someone that is broken to fix them?
And that afternoon, I spent a long afternoon taking a deep look at myself. Future spoiler alert: what I found was quite ugly.
I have always told myself that I do not deserve to be with anyone who is all “put together” because well, I’m simply not. I have no idea what I’ll being doing in a year. No idea where I’ll be living. No idea what kind of job I’ll be working. No idea if I’ll be in a Master’s Program at a university somewhere.
The uncertainty of all of this has made me question whether I should start a relationship with someone because who wants to start a relationship if I might have to move in a year?
But there’s a plot twist: I don’t want to be alone. I’ve always said I would be better off alone because if I fall in love with someone, and it all falls apart, I’m afraid I might not make it. It had nothing to do with my happiness. I just always thought it would be easier to be alone. (Yes, I can say that I sound so much like Meredith Grey it hurts sometimes. Meredith Grey= a fictional me.)
But that’s beside the point. I fed myself with these lies that love is something I cannot survive. I also fed myself with the lie that I do not deserve someone who has it all together.
I learned that in order to stop the missionary dating and gain the love I deserve I have to stop feeding myself these lies and replace them with the actual truth.
And of course everyone has a different truth, but my truth is simple: I deserve a “put together” guy who can love me for me, and that I can survive if things do not work out.
So let’s fast forward to Thursday, September 29, 2016, weeks later, and I’ve realized something- I’m a missionary dater because I do not believe that I deserve any better.
So, maybe its time for me to redefine my dating criteria. Maybe it’s time for me to stop settling.Or just maybe I need to realize that missionary dating will get you nowhere.
There are problems with missionary dating:
1) I cannot save people who do not want to be saved.
2) People will not change for you, they will only change for themselves.
Trying to convince someone to love Jesus just because they are in a relationship with me will never be okay. I know God said, “Go into the world and preach the gospel to all creation,” (Mark 16:15) but I don’t think he meant to do this by being a serial dater. And I’m not telling non-Christians that they can’t date Christians. All I mean by this is dating someone in order to make them one day love Jesus will not work. It just won’t. People have to want to know Jesus in order for that to happen. And no one can do that for another person. It just can’t happen.
So today, I choose to be honest with myself. Thanks to my good friends and the realization they have offered me, I have to end things with McCutie. Which is for the best.
Anyway…I hope you all enjoy Thirsty Thursday as much as I do.