Feelings.

Facebook is the only way I keep up with people all around the country. I see political debates, photos of friends, statuses, memes about being a crazy cat lady, engagement and wedding announcements, and of course, baby announcements. You never know what you’ll get every time you open up Facebook. Will I burst out laughing, cry, or do the serious, almost left my eyes in the back of my head eye-roll? Just spin the wheel, you’ll get something.

But sometimes, Facebook can catch me off guard, like it did last night.

A photo. One photo of my best guy friend that I’ve wanted to be more than a friend for years. We’ve never had that friendship full of romantic undertones, but I’ve been in love for a while now.

But this photo had me at, let’s just say, my jaw is still on the floor. Feel me?

But I’ve given up on being with this guy after I got the beautiful you’re my very best friend and I’m so thankful we’re friends text message that just let’s you know you’re #friendzoned forever. So my feelings have been moved to the “will never happen” part of my brain right beside my thoughts of Martin Henderson and Patrick Dempsey.

And I’ve written about him a good bit, mainly of my hoping of wanting what can never be.

But this photo struck a longing in my heart…but before you get the wrong idea, it wasn’t that kind of longing.

But it’s a longing to have someone to love, or even more so someone to love me. I’ve come to the realization that I have a lot of love to give, and I want to give it to someone who can love me back with all of my dark and twisty being.

And I’m not one to cover up my feelings, but I’ve been hurt enough to know that I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to wear the strong face, and let people think that I have it all together, which to be quite frank, I don’t. But why not let people think I do?

But sometimes, when no one I know is around, while I’m swimming through the sea of humanity on the Ole Miss campus, I like to allow myself to just feel.

I turn on my jam (How to Save a Life by the Fray), run, and cry a little bit. And I can’t lie, it feels really good to just let go for a little bit.

But during my run last night, I came to some realizations in my own life.

I have a hard time trusting God’s timing. I can be open and honest about this one. And my doubts about God’s timing have become worse since my sister’s engagement. She’s getting married and about to start a family of her own, and I can’t even find the one my soul is supposed to love. And don’t get me wrong: I hate questioning God’s timing because I know I’m supposed to have faith in Him and His plan, but this is where I fall short in my faith.

But God has the right man for me out there somewhere. God has someone out there for me to love that can love me back. Every deep, dark and twisty flaw I possess. Someone who can love me the way love is spelled out in 1 Corinthians. For a while, I was in a dark place. Unable to truly love someone else, unable to let someone love me. But over this past year, I’ve grown. I’ve decided to spend my time working on me. I’ve been answering the question “Who am I, really?”

Because I began writing a blog, I’ve been able to work through a lot of things I’ve held on to. And I won’t say that I’m done, because I’m not, but I’m getting there.

Last year’s Jayme was no where near ready for love, but this year’s Jayme is, and God will send the right man to me in HIS time, not mine.

No man will solve the deep longing in my heart. The deep longing I have in my heart is for a spiritual connection, and the only person that can feel that longing is Jesus. 

An earthly man can provide satisfaction for my relational desires, but the only one who can feel my deep longing for love is Jesus. So while I am still impatient and want to show a man love and affection, get married and have all his children, the man I should give that love to first is Jesus. I need to spend my time as a single woman devoting my time working on my relationship with Jesus.

And I realized that it is okay for me to be angry with God and His timing. No, I can’t be mad everyday. But it is okay to cry for time to time. Acknowledge that these emotions exist, feel them, and move on.

And maybe, just maybe, I should keep away from Facebook and Instagram for a little while because let me just say that photo has me well…I’m still drooling.

It isn’t my job to rush God and His process. He is shaping me to make me able to accept love from someone else. It is my job to trust and to not get all carried away with the hottie that is on my newsfeed.

So for now, I will continue to work on me and my relationship in Christ. And wait on the love that I deserve. The love God has planned for me.